Living in a home where Domestic Violence occurs affects children. Many children believe they are responsible or are partly to blame. Children who had stayed in a refuge with their mother to escape Domestic Violence were interviewed. Some comments shared were:

• That violence in families is far worse than violence between strangers, because it happens between people who are supposed to love each other.
• That they lived in a constant state of fear, with feelings experienced including terror, humiliation, anxiety, shame, anger, loneliness and powerlessness.
• That their experience varied even within families:

  - Some siblings were abused, others were not.
  - Some children tried to intervene, others hid.
  - Some children covered up the violence, others said nothing.
  

Some Effects Family Violence Can Have on Children

Infants - fretful sleep, developmental slowness, lethargy, fearful reaction to a loud voice.

Toddlers - frequent illnesses, severe shyness, low self-esteem, hitting, biting, trouble in pre-school or daycare.

School Age Children - frequent illnesses, hitting, stealing, lying, nightmares, eating problems, self-harm, bedwetting, poor school results, being ‘too perfect’, drug and/or alcohol abuse. The oldest child may become the family ‘caretaker’. Running away. Copying the violent behaviour, especially boys.

How To Help

If a child tells you he or she is living in a violent situation, you can:

• Let the child know you believe them and understand. Reassure the child that it is not their fault.
• Let the child talk about anything that may be worrying them. Children are not usually encouraged to talk about violence at home. No-one is supposed to talk about it outside the family.
• Help the child learn other ways of dealing with anger/frustration.
• Help the child work out a safety plan for an emergency.
• Help the child to feel good about him/herself.
• Reassure the child that you will help as much as you can, or you will talk with someone who can and they are not alone.

Mothers Taking Action - Talking With Your Children

• Take a strong position that your partner’s violent behaviour is wrong and damaging to you and to them.
• Make sure the children know that they are not responsible or to blame for his violent behaviour and neither are you.
• Explain your actions in direct relation to his wrong behaviour. You would not be taking the actions (leaving, divorce etc.) if his behaviour had been acceptable.
• Condemn the violent partner’s behaviour, not him personally. The children probably love and feel loyalty to him.
• Allow the children to express whatever feelings they may have for him.
• Reassure the children that you love them.
• Encourage your children to express all their feelings and fears.
• Be open with them about the stresses of their past and current life. Don’t ignore or avoid talking about how it affects them.
• Be positive about the future whenever possible.

It is important for children to understand that your partner’s physical violence, verbal abusiveness and any other destructive behaviour is wrong. This can help reduce any damage to their self-worth, and their ideas about how family members can respect and relate to each other.

Implications For Teachers

Child protection implications must be kept in mind.

Teachers are in an ideal position to assist children affected by abuse in the home by picking up signs and responding sympathetically to such children.

At school, children may be affected in the following ways:-

• They may be too tired to concentrate on their lessons.
• They may be depressed and withdrawn and friendships may suffer.
• They may display behaviour problems in relation to anger and aggression.
• They may suffer frequent interruption to their schooling when they are forced to leave a violent home.

Although the issues of Domestic Violence and child abuse are often separated, a growing body of research suggests that child abuse and domestic violence are linked within families.